I ordered the Mitch’s Mix Candy Box to see if it made watching the Leafs lose any less painful

Included in the box are 16 snacks, most of which are sugary candies with one salty option, a chocolate bar and one pack of cookies.

Among the contents were:

• Glee Watermelon flavoured natural chewing gum
• Bubblegum flavoured Shock Rocks popping candy
• Razz Apple Fun Dip
• Fritos Honey BBQ Flavor Twists
• Sour Skittles
• Tropical flavoured Ring Pop
• Chupa Chupa Melody Pop
• Gummy efruitti mini burger
• Black Ice Blackberry Blow Pop
• Kit Kat Chunky Popcorn
• Dubble Bubble Cotton Candy Gum
• Swizzels Stinger Chew Bar
• Strawberry Smoothie Cow Tales
• Cadbury Curly Wurly
• Starburst Gummies
• Oreo The Most Stuf package of four cookies

In retrospect, it’s no surprise that this package was designed by a hockey player since it seems to be designed to destroy teeth.

I decided to start my evening off by sampling the Fritos, as they were the only salty option and much like the Toronto Maple Leafs I enjoy making bad decisions to start the game. To my surprise the Fritos were actually quite tasty and minutes later Mitch Marner himself scored a goal.

Was this a sign of things to come? Was Mitch Marner fueled by sugar and nostalgia? Did my munching of his favourite snacks inspire him to bring happiness into my life by scoring for the Maple Leafs? I wasn’t entirely sure, but I was leaning towards almost definitely yes.

I decided to celebrate Mitch’s goal by opening up my second snack, the Swizzels Stinger Chew Bar. It tasted like if someone made taffy in a room adjacent to flavour. It was gross and had a texture that was almost chalkier than most taffys.

Soon after that, the Red Wings scored. The hockey gods had seen me having ill thoughts about the candy box and decided to reprimand me.

I decided to punish myself by eating more of the Swizzels Stinger Chew.

Around the time I was halfway through the Shock Rocks popping candy, I realized that I needed to call in reinforcements and invited two friends to join me in consuming Mitch’s Mix, each of whom seemed to immediately regret their decision to join this experiment that no one asked to be conducted.

At this point the Maple Leafs were already losing 4-1, but as any Toronto hockey fan knows a 4-1 lead is not a game over, so like the Maple Leafs I continued to push forward in the face of despair. 

While my friends/victims cleared the gummy burger and Kit Kat for me, I decided to try a piece of the Dubble Bubble Cotton Candy Gum which lasted approximately 5-7 chews before losing all flavour and needing to be spit out – hopefully not a sign of how long the Maple Leafs’ upcoming playoff run will last.

Once the second period got underway, I took a moment to reflect on the experiment so far. Yes, the Leafs were losing, but I was enjoying some sugary treats with friends. Maybe this is what pro sports is all about, not winning and losing but community building and having a good time… It was at that moment that Nick Robertson scored and I realized that winning is more important than anything and thinking otherwise is foolish. The Sour Skittles and Starburst Gummies were then torn open, headliners among the bunch as I knew the Maple Leafs needed to put the big guns on the ice if they wanted to continue the comeback.

Sure enough, moments later Auston Matthews scored his 69th goal of the season to bring the Leafs within one, minutes after that John Tavares scored and I lamented that none of the snacks were Portuguese to celebrate Tavares with, having to talk myself out of running to a late night bakery for some pastel de natas.

Despite the Leafs putting 16 shots on net in the third period, they weren’t able to break the tie and despite me talking a big game and calling in reinforcements, I also wasn’t able to close out my own twisted game. The Red Wings went on to score less than a minute into overtime as the Maple Leafs appeared to suffer from the same sugar crash I was currently experiencing at the moment. As my friends left, I lay down and realized that not only did eating all that candy not make me feel better about the Leafs losing, but now my stomach and teeth hurt as much as my heart did.

Quickly, I fell asleep, and woke up the next morning to realize that not a single person had touched the ring pop. Was the fact that in a room of Canadian hockey fans, not a single one of us had gotten a ring some sort of perverted sign from above, or just a funny coincidence to cap off a dumb idea? Much like when people ask me if I love the Leafs or hate them, the answer is almost certainly that both options are correct.